Timber me this

Alright, it is time for another Q+A with Zach Jordan, the internationally famous movie star. You may remember me from such hit classics as One Human Drink Please, The Fancy Room and I’m Jacky Daytona. Let’s get onto our first question, and please make it something interesting this time.

Jenny from the IT department (of where?) says: Hi Zach. Your latest movie is about a socially awkward man thrust into leadership after his father gives him the family hardware store in the Sandringham area, right? Can you tell us a bit about the movie?

I am legally not allowed to talk about the project, unfortunately. What I can say, however, is that the plot is strikingly similar to Knock Out Club and that at the end my character realises that he actually has a psychological disorder. There was no dad, and it was his business the whole time! Crazy, right?

Bob asks: Where is the best shop in Cheltenham for timber? You’ve spent a lot of time filming in that area recently, so do you have any go-to timber stores?

This may surprise you, Bob, but the best timber store in Cheltenham is actually in Cheltenham. You wanted to know where it was, and I’ve told you. Vaguely. You’ll have to work it out on your own from there.

Our last question comes from Rosebud resident, Sam. Do you have anything to say regarding the recent allegations about you, which claim that you only star in movies if they provide you with a full-service buffet? This in itself would be fine, but they also claim you don’t let anybody else eat from the buffet, even though you only eat the vegetables. Then all the leftovers get thrown in the garbage, in full view of a hundred homeless people.

Oh my, would you look at the time? I have to go reshoot one of the final scenes for Shadow Man, and unfortunately don’t have time to answer this last question. Sorry!