The Missing Conveyancers

“Wait,” I said, “aren’t you going to tell us about your evil plan or something?”

Doug, leader of the Cult of the Conveyancers, stood from his seat, laser pointed at my chest, ready to fire. “What do you mean, evil plan? We told you, there’s nothing evil going on here. We’re just recruiting conveyancers to our secret club, helping them land new clients and improve their knowledge of the business.”

Schlock Homes shook his head. “Then why are you going to shoot us with lasers? And why have all the conveyancers gone missing? The leader of the Victorian Conveyancing Convention asked us to look into it.”

Doug and Malvern were silent for a moment, looking at each other. Malvern spoke first. “Well, you were being pretty nosy. You can’t try to look into secret clubs and expect to get away with it. We should be able to discuss conveyancing around Caulfield without worrying about you busting through the door and arresting us.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. “We can’t arrest you. We aren’t police officers, just private detectives. We would have simply filed a report on the investigation and given it to the head of this convention to deal with.”

“Oh,” said Doug. “Well, I suppose we misunderstood your job, then. As for the missing conveyancers, there aren’t any. They are merely conveyancers who grew tired of the convention and joined our club. The rules are kind of stupid here. I don’t see why we can’t discuss our work as conveyancing professionals. Mentone, Richmond and Frankston all have great properties to discuss, but the rules prevent us from mentioning them. So the conveyancers have simply been hanging out here.”

“Seriously?” Schlock asked. “That’s a bit of a letdown, to be honest. I thought there was some big conspiracy going on here or something. Heck, I would have been less disappointed if it had turned out aliens were abducting the conveyancers, despite there being no buildup to such a revelation.”

Malvern put his laser pointer away. “Well, sorry it wasn’t more interesting. You guys can go now, if you want.”

And that was my day with Schlock at the Victorian Conveyancer Conference.

– John Whatson.